When we give the world what we want the most, we heal the broken part within each of us.” ~Eve Ensler
I have a habit of making little notes to myself and sometimes they get lost in the shuffle. One with this quote written on it surfaced last night as I was cleaning out some boxes of papers in my garage. The timeliness of it reappearing into my life was profound. I have given myself a deadline to complete my website: Full moon: December 13th, 2016, and coincidently the year and a half mark from when my partner took his own life in the garage where I found this note. I have found myself experiencing the very human experience of self-doubt, as I get closer to launch. I have mostly felt confident and proud and excited during the process of creating this work of art in a medium very foreign and challenging to me.
In my life, I have chosen to show up with authenticity, transparency, and honesty, in a way I was not taught in by my birth family. It is a vulnerable practice that I have grown accustomed to feel confident in doing. Suddenly, in the past few days, all that shifted. I have been feeling defeated and stressed by some other situations I can’t control in my life. Was that transferring over to this? I was on the emotional rollercoaster that PMS can throw me into. Was that affecting my thinking? It was icy and cold and raining; my least favorite weather. Was I experiencing seasonal depression? I was spending most of my time with my dog and my computer, in a generative, creative flow. That part felt great. I love being productive and creative; doing it on the computer challenges me, but I am getting used to it. I value my precious alone time, and I was mostly enjoying it.
We are multi-faceted beings and I am sure all of those factors were contributing to my mental state. Ultimately, I realized too much alone time when the spiral of self-doubt kicks in is not always the best thing for me. We need our communities and friends for reflection and to be uplifted. I polled my FB friends for a title for the in-home, lifestyle reset and support work I am developing, and the response was extremely encouraging. I started to reconnect with a few friends in my amazing community of Mount Shasta and received such sweet encouragement and validation. As suddenly as I plummeted into self-doubt, I was equally as rapidly lifted to the other side. We need each other, even when we are fiercely independent. The strength, encouragement, joy, and growth that I experience from interacting with the outstanding people I choose to surround myself with has supported me in being who I am. I have the courage to face my shadow sides because I am held by the backbone of my alternative communities’ support; I feel strong and willing to be vulnerable and share all that I have learned. I know I have something powerful to offer. When my monkey mind tells me otherwise, I know where to seek counsel. You, my friends, are incredible. Thank you again, community therapy! We are healing and supporting each other in the most beautiful of ways. I am inspired, hopeful, and a better person because of all of you!
Now, on to complete this website, so I can begin offering myself in service to my clients and communities in new ways. Bless this project. Bless our lives & communities. Bless this beautiful Earth. You are loved! !!~gratitude~love~abunDance~joy~!!